All the men I look up to have it. They're solid. Consistent. Mean what they say. They know who they are. People treat them with respect. And they treat people with respect – especially women. I find some chick out on Saturday night and drunkenly take her back to my dorm. But they wouldn't even swear in front of a woman, let alone treat her like this.


I wake up and this girl texts me. I don't want to talk. That's awkward and that's not how this works. There's no relationship here. She thinks it meant something...we both enjoyed it, got what we were looking for. It felt good, and as long as we both wanted it, there's nothing wrong with it, right? Doesn't matter if we were just using each other as long as it was mutual.


There are times I'm not so sure. The men I respect most don't do this. The men I respect ask women on dinner dates and pay for them. Even in the small things, they say something real.


Now I've got this other girl in my bed. I hardly know her either. We talk as though we know each other. Tell each other things. Talk like we mean something to each other. But we both know we don't really mean it. How could we? We just met…and I hardly remember her name.


She thinks I want to hang out with her more, but I just need the release sometimes. Good sex gets rid of stress... or that's what I used to think. Until she started calling me all the time and I found a new girl and she got mad. She says I don't get it. It was just a hook-up. Seriously, get over it already.


Maybe the message isn't really coming through. What does she think I'm saying? Maybe she thinks I mean more when I touch her that way. This girl must think I'm telling her I care about her when I sleep with her, but that is not what I mean at all. When my friend opens the door for some random girl and says, "after you," he means it. And that's an insanely small thing. I can't even seem to be consistent in the major things. I keep confusing all these girls, confusing myself. Stressing myself out about it all. Why go through all this? Why put these girls through it? There must be more to me than some guy sleeping around.


Maybe I should try to be like my friend. Give others a bit of thought. Make my actions say what I actually mean. Mean what I do. That's integrity. Maybe I could have it, too. Maybe I could be one of those guys I actually respect.





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